Sitting, waiting, watching

Ever noticed you do your best thinking in the car?  Maybe it's just me.  Today I was driving down the road thinking about life and it dawned upon me that so much of my life centers around trying to keep the memory of my father alive.  It sounds very strange, as it is an unconscious effort, but it happens.  I went to the Carolina game in Columbia on Thursday and it was amazing!  Not necessarily because I'm an extreme Carolina fan or anything, but because I felt as though I was home.  I wonder just how many hours I spent in the N.C. State football stadium as a kid...hours upon hours upon hours I'm sure.  Another reminder of my father: the lake.  I love more than anything to be riding in the boat on the lake, or sitting on the dock looking out over Lake Keowee.  Sitting there I am transported to another world.  I often find myself forgetting the miseries of my not always wonderful life.

Don't get me wrong...I love very much the life I live and the opportunities I have been given, but I get angry with the world & certain parts of my life just like everyone else.

This week I take the GRE (graduate school exam), which I am not excited about AT ALL.  Also, PC plays Clemson on Saturday and we're all going to the lake to hang out with the Gram-ster.  Anndd I need to finish my Peace Core applications.  I'm not 100% sure that life is the life for me, but I am extremely anxious to know if that's an option (aka if they want me).  I would love very much exploring other lands, living the life of other people, starting anew in a distant land.  I would miss my family oh so much, would miss the dog that I want to have after graduation, but it would be a learning experience, a growing experience and I'm sure it would be lovely.

Oh the question of what to do with my life.  Every time someone asks I just tell them I'm "livin' the dream" because, quite simply, I don't know what to tell them.  I'm still exploring, still learning about myself...I am only 21 years old after all.  The world is a wide open place and I'm on the journey of exploration, so here's my warning:  look out world, here I come!

So here's to senior year

Yes, its finally that time again.  SENIOR YEAR!  Today, much like every other day, I acted like a freshman.  Walked into the wrong class...late...stared at everyone and left.  Freshman year I would have been mortified, but senior year I laughed and told everyone at lunch how much of a freshman I am.  I love PC and have loved the 3 years here (minus a summer or two).  I love the people here.  It's a wonderful family.  The staff here has some issues, but for the most part they keep it amongst themselves (unless of course you work here for a summer...).  I'm excited and nervous about the year to come...believe it or not I actually like classes.  I don't like school so much, but I do enjoy being in class and discussing random things that the prof or another student has brought with them on that day.  I'm ready to have a real job (to make real money) and to start advancing myself in a career, but I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I'm actually ok with this...my mother may not be, but I am.  I want to live life, I want to enjoy life, to take in everything it has to offer and grow and learn about myself.  To me, that's what's most important.  I've spent a lot of time worrying and stressing over different things, but now I trust that the universe will put before me whatever I need.  I trust that God will let me know where I need to be.

So strange to talk about God when for the past year or so I have abandoned him so very much.  If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I don't really regret pushing him aside.  I know that's probably not what I'm supposed to feel, but it was needed.  I'm not completely sure I'm ready to have a close relationship with him right now.  I mean I know he's there and that he's very much there for me, but in some strange part of my mind I feel as though I can't trust him.  He took someone away from me who I love very much and I'm just not over that.  I will never be over that, but hopefully one day I will come out on the other side seeing His reasons and learning to appreciate His will.  I'm not there yet.  I'm on a journey and I'm going with it wherever it takes me.  I'm not a bad person for this, of that I am very sure.  I'm just a confused person and there is nothing wrong with that.

On a different (and much less serious note) I am loving living in the townhouse with some of my best friends.  We cook dinner for each other and spend nights on the couch eating cookies and washing ridiculous tv shows.  I do love my friends a tremendous amount and have no idea where I'd be without them.  I'm getting back to my old love everyone self.  I strive to be this person every day.  I've ran into people throughout my life who just oozed love for whoever they were around and I hope very much that this will be me one day.  I do truly care about everyone around me and I don't hate anyone.  I'm working on not being awkward around certain people, but sometimes the weirdness just shows through.

And that's ok.  Everything is ok.  Not great, but ok.  I'm figuring out things about myself, about the people and the world around me and I'm enjoying it.  Life is an adventure.  I intend to explore every cave, every mountain top, every long lost lagoon...here's to starting that journey.  Here's to senior year and the rest of my life...